


Things You Can't Buy

by Lauand



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: AU, Emotional Conflict, M/M, Prostitution, Sex before love, mentions of rape and mass murder (echoes of canon) to non-primary characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 09:09:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18028904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauand/pseuds/Lauand
Summary: A famous basketball star hires a high-end prostitute for the night. It all snowballs from there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt: Saiyuki - superrich professional sports player Gojyo and prostitute Hakkai in the _Weissvsaiyuki_ comm. My deepest gratitude to Avierra for her infinite patience and her magnificent work as beta reader: you're awesome.

The guy was pretty, very pretty. Or handsome; he was never sure when to apply one or the other (beauty was beauty, that's what he had always thought). But he didn't have the attitude Gojyo had learned to expect from a high-end prostit-- ehm, escort.

“You know, usually people in your trade are better at hiding how much they despise their patrons,” he couldn't help commenting.

“Ha, ha, you know, usually people in your trade are worse at noticing when they are being despised,” was the reply he got.

That gave Gojyo some pause. Not because it wasn't true, but because it was extremely rare to find a prostitute who actually spoke their mind. Most of the time it was all the “you're so hot”, “you're so big”, “you're so good” routine. It was the first time a professional implied a “you're so stupid”. It was so unexpected that Gojyo found he actually liked it. And not in a kinky, please-humiliate-me way.

“But you don't know me,” he tried to reason.

“You don't know me, either.”

“But I know your kind,” Gojyo knew it was the wrong thing to say right after the words were out of his mouth. Story of his life.

“Oh, really. Then, I know your kind, too.”

There was a pause at that. There wasn't so much that could be said about the inadequacy of generalizations in any context and they both assumed the point was clear now, anyway.

“Do you kiss?” Gojyo asked.

“I'm charging you $5.000 per hour. There are very few things I don't do and all of them are in my contract.”

“And, can you do it as if you meant it?”

“I'm charging you $5.000 per hour,” the guy repeated, as if that were answer enough. Actually, it was. But still, it was the principle of the thing, Gojyo thought.

“You really suck at this prostituting yourself thing, man...”

“On the contrary, I excel at it. I just don't care about the marketing part.”

Gojyo's mouth moved in a complicated grimace that expressed all the skepticism in the world and that's when the magic started. Hakkai just laughed at it in a pure, crystalline tone, without a single trace of mocking, just plain delight, and all his muscles relaxed as he got close and smiled as if Gojyo was his world, as if he knew him, had known him for ages, as if he were trying to hide the sheer adoration he felt instead of trying to fake it. He raised his fingers to touch Gojyo's cheek, not tracing his scars but not trying to avoid them, either, and he then rose a bit on the balls of his feet and kissed him. First slowly, tentatively, just a graze of lips here, a nibbling there, a bit of pressure, a small nip. Hakkai sighed then and put his arms around Gojyo's neck as he gave himself completely to the kiss. But without any urgency, as if he just enjoyed being there, kissing Gojyo, and that was enough for him and neither a precedent of sex, nor a trick to stall and avoid it.

Hakkai smelled good, but in a clean way, like it was just soap and not perfume. His lips were soft and his tongue delicate when he finally let Gojyo push inside his mouth. His fingers confident when they tangled in Gojyo's long, red hair. His body pliant. His cock half-hard.

When Gojyo pulled away, he followed him to put a last peck on his lips and smiled with just a hint of lopsidedness when Gojyo admitted: “Alright, okay, yeah... maybe you were right.”

Hakkai's smile grew wider and, after grazing their nose together once, twice, like searching for the perfect angle, he kissed Gojyo again.

\-------

Gojyo insisted Hakkai stayed the night mostly because he could afford it, but when he woke up at 6am, there was only an invoice on the pillow beside him.

It was the first time he got charged officially, VAT and everything, even Hakkai's social security number. It was also the first time he paid for “artwork”, apparently. It made him smile, thinking that Hakkai considered himself an artist. Not that far from the truth, either. His smile fell off, though, when he read the attached note, elegantly written in perfectly straight lines.

Do not fall in love with a whore, Gojyo.

It was a sound piece of advice, he thought, letting himself fall again on the bed, eyes on the ceiling, remembering last night. Because it had been different than the other times and Gojyo couldn't figure out how Hakkai had known, how he could write that note without sounding misguidedly arrogant about it, only honest and, well, nearly caring.

Hakkai didn't have to worry, though, Gojyo thought, because he was not one to fall in love just after a night of sex, much less paid sex. He was not that stupid or that naïve. There was a reason he preferred professionals, after all, and it was knowing perfectly well that they were only there because of his money. So, yeah, thank you but no need to worry. He wouldn't fall in love.

That didn't mean he wouldn't call Hakkai again, though. Those were very different things, after all.

With his conscience lulled by this logical reasoning, Gojyo fell asleep again and dreamed of green eyes and lopsided smiles.


	2. Chapter 2

“I like you.”

“People who don't like me don't usually call me a second time, much less a twenty-fourth.”

Gojyo didn't reply to that, he just took another drag of his cigarette. He had learned that Hakkai only said things once. He had told Gojyo the first time that smoking was bad for his health, bad for his career and that doing it in bed could be potentially bad for the whole building, but he had never brought up the issue again. He didn't even look particularly put off by the smoke. Gojyo suspected that Hakkai believed in everybody being responsible of their own actions and when he gave advice, it was more so that people knew in the future that they had been warned, that they had known, and so, they couldn't claim ignorance or complain about life being unfair.

“I'm not good at making wise decisions,” Gojyo admitted after a while.

Hakkai didn't reply to that. He didn't even stop absentmindedly stroking Gojyo's chest. But Gojyo knew he was listening. Because the guy was always listening. He just chose to ignore what he heard, especially if he thought the answer that was expected of him was already a given.

“I might have disregarded your advice.”

It was not often that Gojyo made the effort to speak formally. He didn't need to. He was a sportsman, he wasn't supposed to. He only did it when he felt insecure, which made no sense, because knowing that he was probably making mistakes when trying to talk like that just added to his insecurity and he was--

“You can't ask a hooker if they like you, Gojyo.”

Gojyo mmed and took the utmost care in not doing anything else. Not caressing Hakkai, not gripping him tighter, not kissing him, nothing. He just took another drag.

“Whyever not?” he finally drawled, with more idle curiosity than animosity. “They are people, too. Everybody has likes and dislikes.”

Hakkai sighed and raised his head from its comfortable place on Gojyo's shoulder. He kissed his collarbone before replying.

“Because you wouldn't want to believe me if I said no and you wouldn't be able to if I said yes.”

Hakkai always had a way of saying the truth that stunned Gojyo. No one told the truth to rich people. Especially if they were on their payroll. Gojyo didn't really understand Hakkai, not in a rational way, but there was something about him that called to Gojyo. There were many things about others Gojyo couldn't wrap his mind about, but everything about Hakkai just... sort of made sense, at least in a very deep level, far beyond the surface of the conscious thought. It was difficult to put the feeling into words. It was hard to know that you didn't understand someone but that you actually got them and that you liked that they were that way. But Gojyo couldn't convey that to Hakkai. Not because Hakkai wouldn't listen and or wouldn't really, truly comprehend; Gojyo was sure he would, but because it would be like pushing his feelings on him and Gojyo had sworn to never try to cajole people into loving him again.

Hakkai just sighed and took Gojyo's stub before it burned his fingers. He then put it out on the ashtray on the bedside table and turned to look at Gojyo in the eye.

“There are only three options:” the guy said, calmly, as he always spoke, “getting together, which is impossible. Breaking up. Or keep on doing this until it hurts so much that breaking up starts looking like an inviting alternative.”

Gojyo concentrated very hard on keeping his breathing steady and under control. It was not as easy as he would have thought. His eyes jumped from Hakkai's right eye to his left one. It was rare of him to speak truthfully while looking someone directly in the eye, but Gojyo thought that Hakkai deserved his honesty.

“I wish I had never met you,” he whispered.

Hakkai's half smile wasn't exactly encouraging. It hurt a little to look at.

“Yes, Gojyo...” he said, knowing what Gojyo truly meant, “me too.”

Gojyo couldn't tell who had approached first and broken the standoff, but suddenly they were kissing and getting their hands in each other's hair, on their necks, their cheeks, their backs, their everything. Stalling had always been his favorite course of action, so Gojyo pushed all the grave thoughts to the back of his mind and let his head be filled with the physicality of the moment, with the smell and the name of Hakkai.


	3. Chapter 3

Hakkai knew he wasn't what people called “normal”. He sometimes made the effort to fit in, sometimes he didn't. But, at least, he didn't talk to people about Kanan. He might have told Gojyo about her in a strange experiment of masochism, just to see the horror on his face and make him pull away, since Hakkai was too weak to do it himself. Gojyo had just shrugged and said that sometimes, some shit happened. Just like that, with that vagueness that hinted at some shit having happened in his life, too. Anyway, that had been quite the exception, the rule was just not talking to people about Kanan. However, he usually talked to Kanan about people.

 

“You would like him,” he said as he put another spoon of ice cream in his mouth, eyes fixed on the television.

 

Kanan didn't reply, she just lay there, not really listening. Not really dead, but not really alive, either.

 

“Although he's nothing like me, I have to admit. Well, we're actually alike in certain matters, but in a different style, so to speak. It's not easy to explain,” Hakkai frowned as, on screen, Gojyo caught the ball and started running towards the basket. “He's... he tries so hard to be tough and pretend he's unaffected... it's like he's hiding behind a grin, but at the same time his smiles can be really honest, and I just can't understand how he can be so jaded and still so innocent at the same time. Or his social interaction... he's completely comfortable in his own skin one moment and absolutely awkward the next, like shifting between easy and tense without you noticing when the change took place.”

 

Gojyo had actually scored and was running back to take his position in defense. The sweat and the exertion looked good on him. They made him look alive.

 

“So no, he's nothing like me. And still...” Hakkai didn't want to make Kanan jealous saying that he felt akin to Gojyo, that he called to him on a deep level. She had never been possessive or irrational, not like Hakkai, but it was still weird to confess to the most important person in your world that there was another human being he felt as connected to as to her. “You would like him.”

 

He left the spoon on the ice cream container and took his cup of tea. The contrast was not kind on his teeth, but he still enjoyed the mix, the blunt sweetness of the ice cream, the subtle bitterness of the tea, the shocking shift in temperature. Kanan had always shaken her head when they had watched television together and Hakkai prepared the snacks. She would refuse to admit she liked it, but she would end up taking Hakkai's spoon and having some, and when he kissed her that first time, she had tasted of ice cream and smelt of tea.

 

“I don't know what I should do.”

 

That was unaccustomed and Kanan knew it. She had always understood him better than he did himself. She rarely gave him advice, though. Not back then when she could have, much less now.

 

The match ended and the camera showed Gojyo fist pumping in victory, success bright in his eyes, the heady feeling of having fought and won plain in his face.

 

“He's a strangely lonely guy,” Hakkai said, “good-hearted, handsome, fit, fun, rich... I don't understand why he is alone when he obviously doesn't like it. Being alone, I mean. He's not built for it, not like us.”

 

After some general view of the place, the camera was focusing again on the players and, apparently, they were going to interview Gojyo. Hakkai's life was funny like that.

 

“That's not entirely true, I might understand a little,” Hakkai kept on talking, mindless of the lack of reply. “I took the liberty to look him up the first time he called me. He's... he has a history. Of people failing him. And usually I don't feel much sympathy for that type, but this is not... it's not disappointment what I'm talking about, it's pure betrayal. His stepmother, his brother, this Banri guy... and still, he doesn't lash out, he's not bitter about it, he's just... I don't know, a mix of self-destructive and accepting, like he thinks it's his fault and doesn't blame others or the world... and that makes him cautious, which doesn't explain why he keeps on trusting others blindly and...”

 

On screen, Gojyo was nodding, listening to the interviewer and then replying in his accustomed blend of cocky and shy. The interviewer made a joke and Gojyo laughed and then looked at the camera, still smiling.

 

“He's a great lover,” Hakkai said without blushing. He and Kanan had always talked about everything. “Terribly giving, but at the same time it's obvious that he's enjoying himself and taking what he wants. He's really fun in bed, without complexes, without pushing his partner's limits, just trying things out and adapting to the response he gets. He's undemanding but adventurous. Loving. Hot. Perfect.”

 

He hadn't realized he had whispered that last part, still distracted by Gojyo's face on TV.

 

Barely a minute later, the nurse knocked respectfully and, without entering, she let Hakkai know that the visiting time was over.

 

Hakkai nodded (although nobody was looking at him) and stood up, leaving the container with the ice cream on the bedside table, next to the cups of tea. Kanan's was obviously untouched.

 

He kissed her brow and, turning off the TV, went out of the room, knowing but refusing to see how the ice cream melted and her tea went cold.


	4. Chapter 4

Gojyo made a point to always call Hakkai “Hakkai”.

“Is that your real name?” Gojyo had asked once, in the early days.

“No,” Hakkai had said without elaborating.

Gojyo hadn't asked his real name back then, much less now. He didn't actually want to know. It didn't matter. Because that was a part of Hakkai he didn't know, a part of Hakkai Hakkai didn't share with him. “Hakkai” was the part of Hakkai who kissed him, and caressed him like Gojyo was important, that listened to him and pretended to care. He was pretty sure the other part, the one with the true name, wouldn't give a fuck about Gojyo, so he never addressed it or tried to find it.

\------

“So, I've re-read your contract.”

Hakkai mmed in response. “Anything new you would like to try?” he politely inquired.

“Well, are you feeling up to it?” Gojyo asked in his accustomed blend of cocky and insecure.

“I do hope that's not an attempt at double-entendre...” Hakkai deadpanned in a way that made Gojyo laugh, and relax and settle in their easy dynamic. “You have re-read my contract. You already know my hard limits. So I'd say that, metaphorically speaking, I'm up to it.”

“Okay,” Gojyo said, licking his lips.

Hakkai followed the movement with his eyes but said nothing, giving Gojyo space to find the words he wanted to use to describe what he wanted Hakkai to perform.

“I've been hearing this thing about, you know, hung men getting a boner.”

Hakkai cocked his head a bit to the right.

“Oh?” he asked, a little confused. He was pretty sure he had scratched “necrophilia” from the things he was willing to do from the list in his contract, although he supposed some zombie roleplaying was feasible. Then he got it. “Oh.”

Gojyo's face was nearly as red as his hair. He could talk about eating come out of an ass without blinking, but apparently the mention of breathplay made him shy. He even went as far as scratching his nape and averting his eyes. Hakkai found him too adorable for words.

Hakkai took a bit longer than necessary to reply because Gojyo squirming was a sight he actually enjoyed slightly more than what was advisable.

“I assume you want to be the recipient and not the agent?” he finally asked, just to be sure.

Gojyo looked confused for a moment, but then he slowly nodded.

“We don't have to do it, though,” Gojyo said non-nonchalantly, “it's no big deal.”

Hakkai firmly disagreed. The amount of trust involved in such a practice was a big deal. He actually considered it overwhelming: Gojyo's faith in Hakkai knowing what he was doing, knowing when to stop, reading both the situation and Gojyo correctly. Hakkai refused to think too deeply why this particular kink would attract Gojyo's attention, what it said about him with the kind of past he had, that he wanted to do it and that it was such an important desire that he showed himself especially vulnerable while asking. It was not polite, either to psychoanalyze people, or to patronize them telling them how dangerous and unhealthy this idea was, especially people you liked— and at that point, it was very difficult for Hakkai to deny that he genuinely liked Gojyo or that he wanted to do this with him, to him. That Hakkai craved the sense of power he knew he would feel when Gojyo gave him that kind of control over his body, over his life. That he craved, not the access to that power, but the fact that it had been granted to him, freely given.

Yes, it was definitely a big deal.

“All right,” he said, voice low and breathy, as he caressed Gojyo's neck, like copping a feel or taking a measure, a taste of things to come. He then repeated: “All right.”

Gojyo's eyes didn't stray from his. Through his peripheral sight, Hakkai could see how he swallowed and his lips parted, so he raised his hand to graze Gojyo's mouth with his fingertips.

Hakkai briefly considered choking him on his dick, if only because Gojyo's wide mouth looked gorgeous around his cock, or maybe using his hands... but that would be too personal, too intimate, it would be too easy to blur even more lines between them and Hakkai was already smudging them enough as it was, so, letting his hand fall, he decided on a tie.

“Wait here,” he ordered, not unkindly, as he went to search in Gojyo's closet. “When do you have practice again?”

“I'm on holiday,” Hakkai heard distantly, either because the clothes around him muffled the sound or because Gojyo was speaking rather lower than usual. “Two weeks until we start warming up for the summer league.”

Hakkai mmed to himself. It was obvious that Gojyo had given this some thought. Something people only did for things that mattered to them, important things. Hakkai planned to be careful, but he didn't know how easily Gojyo bruised.

It was only when he wrapped the tie loosely around Gojyo's neck and watched his pupils dilate and his lips part, letting his expression reflect the act of total and unconditionally giving himself over to Hakkai, that he truly felt overwhelmed. To the point where he couldn't have stopped himself from kissing Gojyo even if he had wanted to.

Instantly, Gojyo opened up and let him in without hesitation, sliding his hand down to grope Hakkai's groin. It was so good that Hakkai could barely maintain his control.

“Yes,” he whispered against Gojyo's lips, “this...”

\------

Strictly speaking, Gojyo was not one of those johns who rented a hooker just to have someone to talk to. Not that Hakkai had many of those... when you paid Hakkai's fee you usually expected more than therapy in return. Gojyo was decidedly neither one of those guys who felt entitled to everything just because they were putting out the money. But sometimes he insisted on doing something different. Not something naïve like trying to delude himself and take Hakkai out on a date to play lovers (he was not one of those, either, Gojyo was far too smart for that), but still, something different from just sex. Most of the time, it was actually playing poker.

The first time, Hakkai made a modest comment about himself, asking Gojyo for patience with an unskillful partner as the man shuffled the deck. And Gojyo actually stopped what he was doing for a second to look at Hakkai critically before stating:

“Bullshit. You're fucking good at this.”

It was not often that Hakkai showed true shock on his features, but it was also not often that someone saw through him so easily.

“But don't pull your punches...” Gojyo winked, “because I'm fucking good at this, too.”

\------

“Shit, you're far fucking better than me!”

Hakkai just smiled. If it turned up a little bit less apologetic than usual, no one said anything about it.

\------

“So, why are you doing this?”

At the moment Hakkai was doing nothing but lay there, naked, sweat slowly drying and cooling his skin. So it was difficult to play dumb and pretend to misunderstand the question.

It was not the first time someone asked him. And usually he didn't even blink when he delivered his reply. Clean, logical, understandable. For money, what else? He would even complete the act with a simpering smile and maybe a wink, if he felt the situation required some flippancy. At this point, he knew this wasn't idle chatter, the typical small talk springing from the most superficial of curiosities, like asking foreigners where they were from or prospective one night stands what their hobbies were. It might have been like that the first night, but Gojyo hadn't asked back then; he was asking now. And Hakkai knew he wasn't going to buy his usual routine, so he pondered his reply before delivering it.

“For my sister,” he surprised himself confessing. It was true enough not to sound false and vague enough not to be the exact truth. “No, actually that's not correct... I do it for myself, since she wouldn't approve.”

And that's how Hakkai found himself telling Gojyo more about Kanan, about what had happened to her, and not only what they were to each other (a bit more than siblings, a bit less than lovers). Just like that first time Hakkai had talked to him about her, Gojyo didn't try to offer comfort or pass judgment on them. He remained silent for a while, fingers obviously itching for a cigarette he wasn't reaching for, until he finally started talking. He told Hakkai about his mother. Stepmother, really. Gojyo had never truly understood the difference, since she had been the only reference for both roles he had had.

And, even while he listened in silence, even as he understood, Hakkai couldn't help thinking: no, I don't want to hear that, I don't want to empathize, I don't want to know you, I don't want to bond.

For Gojyo it must have been quite the non-sequitur, but he didn't show any puzzlement when Hakkai touched Gojyo's lips with his fingers and murmured ruefully:

“What are we doing to ourselves?”

He just kissed Hakkai's fingertips and finally reached for a smoke.

\------

“You never asked how come a guy like me pays for sex.”

Hakkai looked at him clinically, like wondering how many of Gojyo's previous... well whatever name he gave to the position Hakkai currently occupied, had come up with that very question. It was not an illogical occurrence. Gojyo was rich, young, handsome. He could have anyone for free.

“You know that pillow talk is not my strong point, Gojyo.” Which was Hakkai's subtle way to say that he didn't want to know, or maybe that he already knew but didn't want Gojyo to feel awkward about it. Hakkai was perceptive like that.

\------

Once, as it was inevitable, Gojyo asked Hakkai to leave it.

“No,” Hakkai said.

It was the kind of thing that would arise again if Hakkai didn't nip it in the bud, so when Gojyo, even knowing better, offered to pay for his sister's expenses, to pay for whatever was needed to grant Hakkai's retirement, Hakkai decided to be as direct and honest as he was able to. Just because it was Gojyo and he deserved it.

“I'm not going to leave my job. And you can't be happy in an open relationship with me, not when you know it's not for my pleasure that I'm bedding others.” Gojyo didn't try to interrupt him and that made Hakkai feel an incredible wave of tenderness towards him. Gojyo would never, ever understand how truly special and extraordinary he was. “The money you give me is in exchange for my services, $5.000 per hour. I perform those services and you pay me for it. My sex is for sale. But Gojyo, my life is not.”

“But--”

“I know,” Hakkai butted in, “I know. I really do. But you have to contemplate the bigger picture. The kind of debt you would be imposing on me. A debt I couldn't repay. Ultimately, it would be you paying money to be with me, you paying money to make me yours. There's no balance in that. We can never be equals. You would just be making me a different kind of whore. One I just cannot, don't want to be.”

Gojyo bit his lips, obviously trying not to voice all his frustration and lack of understanding, to pour his point of view, all that he wouldn't mind, had never minded giving, even for nothing in return.

Hakkai could see it, but he wouldn't let it change his mind, to move him more than it had already done. It was tempting, though. If there was anything that could come close to sway his resolve, that was, without a doubt, Gojyo. Funny, how life was.

“It's drawing near, isn't it?” Hakkai asked with a tense smile, “the point where it's more painful to be together than apart. It's close.”

Gojyo had no reply to that, but it wasn't needed, really. He was stubborn enough to try to deny it, but it didn't only depend on him, so he didn't. Not even in normal, healthy relationships, had Hakkai seen it that clearly, that one of them was so aware of things depending on both members of a couple, that the pain was not only his.

Hakkai raised his hand and just caressed his cheek, because Gojyo was not the only one to have unaccustomed gestures of naïvety, sometimes. Either relaxed by the touch or defeated by the words, Gojyo exhaled.

\------

Sometimes, in an uncharacteristic bout of masochism (or maybe not so uncharacteristic), he thought of Gojyo when he was with other johns. What was certainly strange, is that he didn't come to mind when he was with the real assholes, the ones he only kept in his list because he knew he could beat the shit out of them in case they crossed the line Hakkai had drawn for them. No, it was with guys like Peter.

Peter was a stereotypical case of closet heir. Not because he had inherited the closet, but because he was too rich and on the spotlight to risk coming out of it and losing it all. Filthy rich, heterosexual fathers tended to be conservative and to want their sons to also be filthy rich, heterosexual fathers someday.

In spite of that, Peter was a terribly nice person, the kind you couldn't really believe was that rich because he didn't have the arrogant air of someone used to buying respect instead of earning it. No, he was kind, and pleasant and considerate and always asked instead of assuming that the standard response of a sex worker should always be “yes”. He was also fun, with a secret love for life and beautiful things and art and stupid cartoons.

So, yes, it was when he was with clients like Peter when he truly realized that Gojyo was different. And that prompted Hakkai to dissect their personalities, their attitudes, his own relationship with them, to try and figure out where that difference resided. And he always came up with nothing. Both were kind-hearted and attractive and funny. There was no rational reason why Hakkai should feel differently towards any of them. And yet, he did. He definitely, absolutely did. And he somehow felt sorry for Peter, but he also felt possessive of those feelings he had for Gojyo, like they were a thing of beauty, something only he had. Something to be cherished. Something that was reciprocated.

So it was with clients like Peter, when he was being treated well and having actually a good time, when he most intensely craved Gojyo's company instead.

At least, Hakkai had never been delusional enough to think himself anything close to normal.

\------

They very rarely argued, but when they did, it was never about what truly bothered them. That was ignored with single-minded determination. So they poured all their anger and frustration into the silliest things, like when Gojyo put stubs into beer cans instead of the ashtray.

“I'M JUST SAYING THAT I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO...” Gojyo had been shouting, but his voice trailed off as he stared at Hakkai, as if distracted by the same face that he, at this point, already knew even better than his own. The silence grew heavy for a while, both of them immobile, just looking at each other, until Gojyo finally broke it with a murmur. “Shit, you're so fucking beautiful...”

“Aah,” Hakkai replied with a fake smile tensing his lips, “but that's not love.”

Unwilling --or too engrossed --to take that bait, Gojyo just stood there, looking at him in the eye, not daring to make a move but obviously wanting to. It was all there, written on his face. Hakkai sometimes wondered how Gojyo could go around through life wearing his heart on his sleeve all the time without people taking advantage of him. Open book that he was, it was evident that he wanted to kiss Hakkai but didn't dare. He wouldn't want to use his power as paying customer to shut the discussion with a kiss and force Hakkai to let it be. So he hesitated and did nothing.

Hakkai actually couldn't stand it and didn't see any dispute to win anymore, so he lunged and kissed Gojyo instead. When he felt Gojyo's arms close around him, he just sighed into the kiss.


	5. Chapter 5

Life, Hakkai thought, had the unpleasant habit of pulling the rug out from under his feet. He would have thought that this kind of dramatic inflection point, this turning his existence upside down was a once in a lifetime event, but apparently that wasn't the case; first had been Kanan, and now this. He wondered idly if it was just his or everybody's life was just as fucked up.

What was obvious to Hakkai now, was that he hadn't given Gojyo enough credit. He hadn't believed Gojyo had the kind of disciplined mind to orchestrate a complex plan without him noticing, if only because he came across as a very straight-forward man. If Hakkai had expected one of them to be an expert in subterfuge and scheming, he definitely wasn't counting on it being Gojyo.

But now, with all the TV stations wondering about the sudden decision of the NBA star to move to Europe and play for a Spanish team, with the pile of documents on his desk that deeded the entire hospital where Kanan resided to Hakkai’s legal name, with the bank statements that proved all the new money in his account was now lawfully his and, most especially, with the handwritten letter that explained all of this to a very confused Hakkai, he really considered revisiting his previous opinion on Gojyo's knack (or lack thereof) for meticulousness.

And it was a mess, it was such a mess, really, when Hakkai had been so close... it complicated everything tenfold, five thousand times, but at the same time it was the most beautiful act of love Hakkai had ever witnessed and he couldn't decide how he wanted to feel about it.

The handwritten letter had been carefully transcribed. Hakkai knew that Gojyo had written a draft before, full of scratches and orthography mistakes, then corrected it and copied it anew on a clean paper. It was obvious in the effort to write slowly and make it legible and neat. He had even used a template beneath to make the paragraphs straight. Hakkai could envision it in the strokes, in the marks the paperclips had left in the corners. He grazed the paper with the tips of his fingers and thought that he should feel like crying, even if he couldn't.

“Oh, Gojyo...” he whispered.

So many people made grand gestures because they wanted something out of it... leaving everything behind to be with the beloved person, sacrificing their jobs, their studies, their money to be with the beloved person, risking disowning, facing rejection, ignoring public opinion... just to be with the beloved person.

But Gojyo had done none of that. Gojyo had sacrificed his career, had left his home, had given away his money, had changed his whole life just to not be with the beloved person. And wasn't that stupid? Hakkai would never, could have never done something liked that. He was too selfish. Too focused. He would do anything and everything to get what he wanted. Hell or high water. What he, himself wanted. Never what he thought would make Kanan happy, much less Gojyo. And the worst thing was that he couldn't even feel guilty about it because that was just what he was. But that didn't mean he couldn't feel humbled by Gojyo's decision, because that was what Gojyo was, the most... Hakkai didn't think there were words to accurately describe what Gojyo was. And even if this didn't, couldn't derail Hakkai's carefully crafted plans, it still moved him and made his chest burn with something like longing, only stronger. With the kind of emotion he thought he could never feel again. It was a miracle his ribs hadn't exploded yet with their physical inability to hold such an intense thing inside his body, really.

He had known from the very start that their story couldn't have a happy ending, that they could never be together at the end, that it was completely and irrevocably impossible... and still, he had allowed himself to fall for Gojyo, and he had allowed Gojyo to fall with him, and now everything was a mess and he had hurt a good man unnecessarily and he would probably hurt him again even if he didn't want to. And that's how he knew he wasn't a good man. Not because of what he had done in the past or what he would do in the future. It was for allowing all that to harm Gojyo in any way.

Hakkai took a shuddering breath and it was only then, when he noticed that the intake wasn't as fluid as accustomed, that he realized he was crying. He had been sure he had lost the ability a long time ago. Wasn't this a day full of surprises?

Closing his eyes, he decided to allow himself the sentimentality, if only for today. Tomorrow he would put some feelers out to know how many of Gojyo's actions had escaped the attempts at secrecy the man had no doubt taken the precautions to maintain. He would see how he should alter his plans to adjust to this inconvenience. He might even project long-term actions, which he hadn't dared before because he had thought there was no future without a Kanan in it. But that would be tomorrow. Today... today, he would let himself grieve, and hurt, and miss Gojyo. And cherish, before he had to bury them, his memories of him, the man he had loved and lost.


	6. Chapter 6

At first, Gojyo hadn't made the effort to memorize Goku's number. He just assumed that when the number on the screen was ass-long, it was him. Of all his former teammates, Goku was the one he was closest to. A real friend, the kind you bickered with all the time just because it was fun. He was the only one who still phoned him from time to time to check on him and to tease him about both important and stupid things, like his decision to leave the NBA or his new haircut. Then journalists had managed to get hold of his number and he had made a half-assed effort to keep at least the last digits of Goku's number in his head. So, he just picked up without giving it much thought when his phone rang and a somewhat familiar number appeared on the display.

“Hey, Monkey, what's up?” He said, cradling his phone in his shoulder while he kept on browsing the myriad of take-away menus he kept in the kitchen.

“Gojyo, put on CNN.”

In retrospect, that should have warned him that something was amiss. It was rare that Goku didn't sound cheerful and light, but it was even more strange that he called Gojyo by his given name. However, Gojyo was currently distracted by his stomach's demands and didn't realize something was off in Goku's tone.

“Pfff... don't wanna.”

“Sanzo told me you should.”

That gave him pause. Sanzo was one of Goku's weirdest contacts. Maybe more than that, Gojyo couldn't be sure and had never asked, partly because it wasn't his business what Goku did and with whom as long as the Monkey was happy and out of trouble, and partly because Sanzo and Gojyo didn't get along and the less they knew about each other, the better. And now, Sanzo was sending him a message through Goku. Adding that to the fact that the guy was deeply involved with the police force --although Gojyo was pretty sure he wasn't a policeman; not the kind to patrol the streets, at least... Gojyo dropped the menus and went to switch on the TV.

“What am I supposed to be seeing?”

“I dunno,” Goku sighed, “Sanzo said you would know. Just... whatever it is, call me if you need me, okay?”

Gojyo frowned at the screen. A lot of shit was happening in the world, but that was nothing new and he didn't get what it had to do with him.

“Yeah, sure,” he replied, distracted.

“Take care, Cockroach.” Goku said, “and don't be stupid, okay? Do call me, asshole.”

“Love you too, honey,” Gojyo mocked before hanging up.

He didn't even sit down, he just stood there, phone in one hand, remote in the other, watching the news. He still didn't know what he was looking at. Not until the news about Boston. Because that's where Gojyo had been living and playing for the last three years, before moving to Europe. And yet, the news had nothing to do with the Celtics or anything even tangentially related to him, so what was Sanzo trying to tell him? What did some gang war have to do with him? Maybe this was just a coincidence and not the news Sanzo wanted him to watch? What wasn't he getting?

And then, just then, just like an afterthought, they recited some of the crimes the slaughtered gang had been allegedly related to. And no names had been revealed, but you just didn't forget when someone told you about a girl being kidnapped and raped for months, you just couldn't, even if you really wanted to.

He didn't turn off the TV right after. He just let other news wash over him as he stood there, paralyzed.

Later on, when he was lying in bed, dinner all but forgotten, Gojyo tried to make sense of it all, to put the pieces of the puzzle together. The only way this was even marginally connected to him was through Hakkai. But Sanzo had no way of knowing about Hakkai (who wasn't even Hakkai because Hakkai didn't exist as such) or about Gojyo and Hakkai, or about Hakkai and his sister, or about Hakkai's sister and Hyakugan Maoh. Or did he? Could he? Was that even possible? And what was he trying to suggest? Why bring Gojyo's attention to it? What did this have to do with him?

Even if he rationally couldn't find an answer, even if there was no logical way to connect the dots, there was a small place in his guts, somewhere deep inside, that told him that he didn't need an explanation because he actually already knew.


	7. Chapter 7

The restaurant was classy and expensive. Not the kind of place Gojyo would be comfortable with, but that was sort of the point. Hakkai wanted to make sure that Gojyo understood that he was not trying to win him over, that this was just a commercial transaction, Hakkai giving him back his money, paying back a debt, nothing personal about it.

You could have just transferred the money, a little voice in his brain said, no need to meet him in person.

Alas, Hakkai was extremely skilled at ignoring the little voices in his brain when it suited him, so he kept on pretending to be calm and collected while waiting for Gojyo to arrive. He hoped Gojyo wouldn't turn on his heel the moment he recognized him; he hadn't been exactly sincere when arranging the meeting with Gojyo's agent. But, at this point, what was one more lie? There were very few things Hakkai wouldn't do to see Gojyo at least once more. Very, very few things. So very few he could very well say “nothing”.

He had to keep himself from startling when he finally spotted Gojyo. The maître d' was leading him to Hakkai's table. He had cut his hair short when he had moved to Europe, but it was starting to get long again, clashing a bit with the elegant cut of his jacket, the crispiness of his white shirt. Gojyo cleaned up nicely, but there was always something in him that made you think that this was not really him, that the sweaty basketball shirt was. Hakkai had nearly forgotten what a real-life Gojyo was, in movement, nearly touchable, nearly there.

It was obvious when Gojyo spotted him back. He actually stopped for a fraction of a second, eyes wide and back tense, before forcing himself to relax and slip on a bland mask. He was horrible at it, Hakkai thought; Gojyo and blandness were clearly antonyms.

“Good evening,” Hakkai said with a tense smile. He didn't offer Gojyo his hand; he didn't think it was the appropriate thing to do with their current situation and he didn't want to find out how it would feel when Gojyo refused to shake it.

“Yeah, hi,” Gojyo said when, to Hakkai's utter delight and relief, he chose to sit down instead of punching Hakkai in the face.

“You look good,” Hakkai said, smile still in place. He was luckily mindful of always keeping his lips hydrated and protected with balm, otherwise they would have cracked under the tension by now.

“Ehm, yeah, thanks, you too. What are you doing here?” Gojyo winced at what probably had sounded like an accusation. “I mean, what am I doing here. What are we doing here?”

The intonation seemed to question if that was the correct way to address the matter more than the reason they were both face to face again. Hakkai hadn't realized how much he had missed the little things until now. His memories of Gojyo just couldn't live up to the living, breathing, awkward real thing.

“I believe this belongs to you,” Hakkai said, pushing an envelope Gojyo's way. “Not that I can ever repay you for... for everything you... for everything, but I'd be grateful if you would at least accept this.”

Gojyo observed him carefully, his curiosity piqued. In his experience, Hakkai wasn't prone to stuttering, he always said exactly what he wanted to say, which was rarely what he meant. Gojyo would have thought he would have had his speech prepared, if not rehearsed. And, to be honest, a part of him hated that he now couldn't be sure if the hesitancy was also fake and a manipulative move on Hakkai's part or if he really was as lost as he sounded. Another part of him, though, actually accepted and embraced the possibility. It wasn't as if he had been able to take Hakkai's words and actions at face value back then, either.

Gojyo inhaled but, before he could say anything, an elegant waiter arrived with their drinks (wine for Hakkai, beer for Gojyo, water for both) to ask if they were ready to order. Gojyo hadn't even looked at the menu and, frankly, didn't give a shit about food at the moment. But the big mess that was his life wasn't the waiter's fault, so he took another deep breath and tried to smile warmly, ready to ask for another minute when Hakkai started talking, lightning fast, without pausing to breathe.

“We will both have the Crab-stuffed Fillet Mignon with Whisky Peppercorn Sauce, mine as it is, medium, my partner will have his without the onion, medium rare, we will not have dessert, appetizers or more drinks, you can bring the bread with the food and if we require your assistance we will let you know, thank you very much.”

“Of course, sir,” the waiter replied, totally unfazed, before disappearing the way he had come.

Gojyo should have gotten used to surreal situations by now, but for some reason, he never seemed to get the hang of always being off-balance.

“So...” Hakkai started, fingers again on the envelope.

“You didn't need the trick, you know,” Gojyo interrupted. “I would have come.”

It didn't sound eager at all, but neither did it sound resentful. It was just the statement of a neutral fact. Hakkai wondered if he would ever stop underestimating Gojyo and his strange sense of integrity. Hakkai was extraordinarily adept at holding a grudge, as recently demonstrated, so it was hard for him to really understand how Gojyo could be so devastatingly lame at it.

“I had been reliably informed that you were aware of... the events in Boston.”

Gojyo shrugged. “You know I'm not good at making wise decisions.”

That stunned Hakkai momentarily, enough for his smile to fall and his eyes to fix on Gojyo's.

“That thing about your life not being for sale was just a pretty excuse, though, wasn't it? A convenient way to push me away.” It was Gojyo who broke the eye contact before speaking, looking at the table, at the envelope. He still didn't sound bitter, only a bit melancholic. Acknowledging another fact of life.

“No,” Hakkai said. “No, that's a fundamental truth. The lie wasn't in there, but in the fact that I didn't do it for the money; I didn't need the money at all. I just needed a way in.”

Hakkai risked a glance at Gojyo and saw that he was frowning, listening but not really understanding what he heard. It took Hakkai just a fraction of a second to decide. He disliked explaining himself, but he owed Gojyo as much, he owed him much more than that, and this was probably the only thing he would be able to give him, so he did.

“Hyakugan Maoh abducted and raped women. He had no interest in men and was impossible to approach by anybody outside his trusted circle,” Hakkai murmured, eyes down on the table again. “But he had a son, Chin Yisou, also part of their criminal organization. And Chin Yisou had a vice. He liked men and preferred them handsome, experienced and willing. He spent millions in high-end escorts. He only invited the best to his bed. He was a bit of a sadist, but nobody listens to a whore who claims abuse after being paid what Yisou did. It's wasn't as if his father didn't do worse.”

Gojyo nodded, but Hakkai probably didn't notice, lost as he was in his story.

“You can imagine the rest,” Hakkai went on, “I carefully outlined a plan to become Hakkai, the most coveted luxury prostitute in the country, the world if possible. I needed a reputation for that, I needed to make it real. I selected my clients carefully: celebrities for the fame, criminals for their connections, people moderately discreet but not repressed enough to not talk about me or recommend my services to others. Chin Yisou liked his partners a bit willful because that's what he got off on, crushing someone's spirit and breaking them, so I adapted my personality accordingly, mixing meek and accommodating with pinches of opinionated. It...” Hakkai made a pause, pondering if he should tell Gojyo everything or if it was better for them both if he didn't, “it got a bit out of hand with you. You were... there was something about you that told me you would be trouble. So I was inordinately cheeky to you, I told you my thoughts, I let my true colors show. And that was a terrible mistake, because that allowed you to know the real me and my plan of driving you away with my abrasiveness backfired spectacularly. Because you genuinely liked me, and I'm just not used to people brushing off my persona and falling in love with the core of me. It's always the other way around, you see.”

At this point, he took a deep breath, eyes still fixed on the table.

“And... I don't think you realize, but it's absolutely impossible, completely inconceivable, to get to know you and not to love you. But that... my feelings were not a factor in this. I couldn't let anything get in the way of my mission, Gojyo, not even you. And I couldn't tell you, because that would have made you my accomplice, and I couldn't abandon my plans, because I would never be at peace if I did, and I was taking money to have sex with you and deceiving you with half-truths and secrets and...”

Hakkai paused, but didn't risk raising his gaze. He wasn't finished, he just needed a moment.

“I would ask for forgiveness, but I don't really regret it.”

Through his peripheral vision, he could detect the movement of Gojyo's nodding.

“Not what I did, because I had to. Nor how I did it, because I had to.”

Gojyo nodded again.

“But I regret hurting you,” Hakkai whispered, finally daring to look at Gojyo, “and being one more knife in your back.”

Gojyo inhaled deeply but said nothing, he just nodded again.

“And, well,” Hakkai finished, with a smile so brittle it actually hurt to hold it in place, “this is the kind of man I am.”

“Okay.”

Around them, life went on. Customers eating, drinking, holding hands, waitstaff carrying plates, opening bottles of wine, bringing the check to the tables. Elegant and unobtrusive music was playing in the background. Gojyo hadn't even noticed until now.

“Isn't it dangerous for you to admit all this?” Gojyo murmured, curious. “What if I'm called to testify? You could go to prison.”

Contrary to what one would have expected, Hakkai smiled. It was an awful attempt, tense and straining, like the product of too much trying.

“Hey,” Gojyo said, “you don't have to do that... that thing of switching on the cheerfulness. I mean, it's okay if it's just the way you cope in an awkward situation, but, well, if it's just for my benefit, you don't need to. Not that I can tell you what to do, you're free to smile whenever and whyever you want, I'm fine with you being creepy as fuck, it's just... it's okay.”

Hakkai decided to smile even more widely, because the other option was starting to cry and he wasn't really fond of the idea.

“There were some priority items on my agenda,” Hakkai explained in a calm, soft voice. “The first one, as you might have deduced, was avenging Kanan. The second one, was making peace with you.” His eyes fell on the envelope, as if paying back a monetary debt was all that he meant with that. “I'm a man of extremes, Gojyo, the rest of my agenda is actually empty. Kanan is in a coma and I've lost you due to my own actions. I don't particularly mind going to prison, most especially if that means making it up to you.”

“God, shit, Hakkai,” Hakkai could actually see through his peripheral vision how Gojyo passed his hand through his hair in a gesture of despair, “you know that's not what I meant, that I wouldn't... we're not talking about a couple years here, this is serious shit and you... fuck... fuck, and people say I have issues...”

“You have issues.”

That actually gave Gojyo pause for a couple seconds before he started to chuckle. Which made Hakkai smile in return. Honestly, for once.

“We really should work on our private jokes, man. They're more scary than funny.”

Hakkai was making a non-committal noise when the waiter came back with their food. There was a pause in their conversation as they began to eat, but it felt more natural now; even in the weirdest and most awkward situations, there was something about Gojyo that made him feel at ease, less tense, more himself. Better with him than without him.

Busy as they were with their food, Hakkai allowed himself the luxury of looking at Gojyo. Who knew if he would have another chance to do it ever again. Gojyo's table manners weren't exemplary, but he had a certain grace to him that made up for it. His fingers were long and not completely straight. The forefinger and middle finger of his left hand were stained yellow with nicotine (how his coach allowed him to smoke was a mystery to Hakkai). His hair was at an annoying length, too short to tie it, too long not to be constantly in the way, but Gojyo mostly ignored it. It was still bright red, the weirdest color Hakkai had ever seen in natural hair. He remembered it was darker around his cock and oddly lighter in his stubble. The scars on his cheek moved as he chewed. His mouth was wide, with nicely shaped lips. His nose was straight and his eyelashes dark and long. Hakkai had read once that men had naturally longer lashes than women, it was just make up and social convention that made people think otherwise. The color of his hair contrasted beautifully with his dark jacket. Unlike Hakkai, he wasn't wearing a tie and the top buttons of his white shirt were undone, which left a decent amount of his long, strong neck in view.

Hakkai's eyes fixed on it for a moment, unable to stray, taken to another time and another place. A part of Hakkai, that horrible part that made him an awful person, wanted to believe that Gojyo didn't wear ties anymore because they reminded him of that night and he couldn't get them around his neck without getting hard thinking about it, or even better, because he missed Hakkai and couldn't stand the reminder of not having him.

And then, all of a sudden, Hakkai realized that Gojyo was looking back at him and their eyes met, and with what felt like a bolt of electricity, Hakkai understood that Gojyo knew what he was thinking, that he was thinking of the same thing, and Hakkai saw that it was both, it was both, the reason why he didn't wear ties, it was both, and the realization didn't let him look away and suddenly his lips were terribly dry and he had to wet them with his tongue and Gojyo followed the movement with his eyes and, oh God, they couldn't do this, not again, not like this, not ever, not... Hakkai's eyes fell to his plate again and he forced himself to take another bite.

While he chewed, trying to pull himself together, Gojyo signaled to the waiter and asked for another round of drinks.

There were many reasons, Hakkai was sure, why they both should keep a clear head, but with the sudden charged atmosphere, he couldn't remember even one, so he accepted the new glass of wine without protest.

They ate for a while, but Gojyo had never been especially good at withstanding awkward silences.

“This is nice and all,” he said vaguely waving his dirty steak knife; Hakkai couldn't tell if encompassing the whole restaurant or just the dish, “but you didn't need to bother. I'm pretty much a pizza kind of guy.”

“I'm fully aware, believe me,” Hakkai started replying even before Gojyo had finished talking. He then inhaled, his rhythm completely off, his wits scattered either by the surge of physical desire or by the emotional turmoil, he couldn't be sure anymore. “But I didn't want to take you to a dirty burger joint and give the impression that I was trying to seduce you.”

At that, Gojyo blinked twice, raised his eyebrows and then started to laugh so wholeheartedly that the awkward tension that had accumulated between them broke like a glass.

“I... I'm actually serious, Gojyo.”

That made Gojyo's laughter even stronger, totally out of place in the quiet, elegant restaurant. A part of Hakkai knew that they were probably attracting too much attention, but he didn't take his eyes off Gojyo to check because he didn't really give a damn. Gojyo was trying to intersperse some words between guffaws with little success (something like “I know?”) and finally, the situation sunk in and Hakkai allowed himself to chuckle a little bit in return.

Finally, with a deep sigh, Gojyo managed to control himself.

“I don't know what's more backwards, that you actually brought me to a posh, romantic place to keep me on my toes or the fact that the dirty burger joint ploy would have worked.”

Smiling honestly for the second time tonight, Hakkai met Gojyo's eyes upfront. They were also a peculiar color, the kind of light brown that looked reddish in the candlelight.

I want to touch you, Hakkai thought, so clearly that it was a miracle Gojyo didn't hear it. Or maybe he did, if the way he broke the eye contact and gulped down his beer was any indication. Hakkai felt the loss of their easy rapport acutely. It was his fault, after all. Not that they had had a healthy relationship back then, but they were at least at ease in each other's company, comfortable with one another, knowing that they didn't exactly fit in anywhere else. Now all the silences were loaded, and knowing that their particular (and weird) brand of flirting wouldn't, couldn't, mustn't get them anywhere wasn't helping.

“So, what now?” Gojyo asked, leaving his beer again on the table.

It was a valid question, but one Hakkai didn't really want to think about.

“Dessert?”

“Hakkai.”

Delicately, Hakkai placed the cutlery on the plate in a 4:20 position. There were many possible answers to that. Now we go to the restroom and I suck you off. Now we go to a dirty burger joint and you let me court you. Now we take it slow. Now we become friends. Now we go back to Boston. Now I stay here with you. Now we travel together to India. Now we conquer the world.

“Now we part ways, because we were never meant to be,” was what he said instead. Maybe he had finally grown a conscience. Who would have thought.

Gojyo wasn't smiling anymore. Another sin on Hakkai's long list. Much graver than the mass murdering, for sure. Gojyo nodded, though, as if he expected the answer, as if he had heard it before. A man used to people leaving, used to taking it in stride. It was only then that Hakkai realized how profoundly cruel he had been to organize this gathering, to meet Gojyo just to say goodbye for good. He hadn't been giving him closure, not like this, not to a man with Gojyo's past. No, for him this had been like rubbing it in, like telling him that he wasn't enough, that he had just been a step in the ladder towards Hyakugan Maoh. That he was never enough. And that was fundamentally wrong, because Gojyo was more than that, he was actually too much, far more than too much, Gojyo was pretty much everything. Hakkai hadn't wanted to get even for Gojyo's sake. It was Hakkai who had needed the closure, Hakkai who had been selfish again, just because he wanted... he wanted...

“Shit.”

Okay, judging by the way Gojyo's eyebrows were trying to climb up off his face, Hakkai was forced to realize that he had spoken aloud this time. He didn't curse very often, but he was ready to admit that, this time, the situation actually required it.

“Shit,” he repeated, for good measure.

He had been trying to do the noble thing. He had wanted to spare Gojyo, to let him free, not to burden him with Hakkai's baggage, with Hakkai's crimes, with Hakkai's overpowering presence, with Hakkai's need for control, with Hakkai's relentless selfishness. Not to condemn him to a strained relationship that would inevitably, slowly, painfully wither and die. But no, what he was actually doing was deciding unilaterally what was best for Gojyo and acting accordingly without asking for his input. It was the kind of condescending, patronizing attitude that he wouldn't tolerate other people showing towards Gojyo. Hakkai thought he had been protecting the man, but what he had been doing was protecting himself. He knew that their relationship, were they to pursue it, would be tainted by their previous interaction as a prostitute and his john. He knew that Gojyo was aware that Hakkai was a cold-blooded murderer. All this self-sacrificing grand gesture was just a smoke screen to hide Hakkai's fear. Because he was terrified. Terrified to open up to another person just for it to fall to pieces before his eyes. Terrified to be rejected when Gojyo finally understood what Hakkai was capable of doing. Terrified to hurt Gojyo again. Terrified because he knew they were never meant to be and the last time he had loved someone he was never meant to be with, it hadn't ended well. But if he was saying no–and he had all the right in the world to say no, that was not the issue here– if he was saying no, it had to be for the right reasons, because he was scared and unafraid to admit that he was.

Hakkai was a selfish bastard but not a coward. If he were to be true to himself, he needed to keep on being a selfish bastard and not a coward. He inhaled deeply.

“Mr. Sha,” he started, watching Gojyo's eyebrows travel back down and try to fuse together in a suspicious frown, “my name's Gonou Cho. If I may be so bold, I'd really like to abuse your good faith and request, or rather, shamelessly beg for a second chance.”

Gojyo opened his mouth but forced himself to close it again and think for once before acting. He looked at Hakkai and tried to understand what was going on without getting angry, which, even with Gojyo being the laid back guy that he was, was proving surprisingly hard.

Hakkai's face wasn't giving too much information (it never did), but Gojyo thought he could read some kind of emotion there he couldn't really name. If pressed, he would label it as earnestness, even if it didn't really make sense at this point. After a second, Gojyo decided that the best course of action was a dose of good, old, trusted straight-forwardness.

“Ehm, I guess that all this fucking around with my feelings is not really on purpose, so if you need ten minutes to figure out your shit I'm alright with it, I can go out for a smoke or something; but you need to make up your mind because you're really confusing me now, man.”

I love you, Hakkai thought. I love you. I do.

Probably this wasn't the best moment for intense declarations, though. He had to admit that it was sort of funny that Gojyo was proving to be the emotionally mature one.

“Ah, I apologize,” Hakkai demurred with his trademark uncomfortable chuckle. “I guess I'm making a mess of things?”

Gojyo's eyebrows adopted a new and exciting conformation whose semaphore translation probably stood for 'what the fuck, man' as he slowly nodded.

Hakkai needed a second to gather his thoughts, so he just fixed his gaze on the tablecloth and tried to put his ideas in order.

“It's true that we aren't meant to be,” he started after a while, unwilling to risk raising his eyes and see the hurt on Gojyo's face again. “We aren't. We don't know how to lead healthy relationships. We don't know when to stop, either taking, or giving. We are... we will destroy each other, eventually, or something will tear us apart and then we will destroy ourselves. Or we will destroy ourselves and that will tear us asunder and destroy each of us. Either way, I'll lose you. And I'm not good at coping, I'm actually pretty horrible at dealing with loss. Last time it led me to prostitution and mass murder. I don't... I'm wary of putting myself in such a position again.” Hoping he had made his point clear, Hakkai swallowed and looked Gojyo in the eye. “But Gojyo, you are worth it. Worth the heartbreak. Worth the destruction. Worth the pain. Worth everything. I'll probably end up setting the world on fire this time but, frankly, I don't care about the world. You are still worth it. That is what I care about.”

Gojyo's lips were parted, but not a whisper passed through them, so Hakkai went on.

“I know I haven't been fair to you. Not before, much less tonight. And I understand if you don't want to see me again; as a matter of fact I'd be glad for you if you told me never to contact you again. And I give you my word that I wasn't intending on telling you this tonight, I wasn't planning... it's not... you know I don't talk about... things, I avoid this kind of speech, I just... I've just realized that I want to be with you, I want it more than I want not to destroy you, and I want it much more than I want not to destroy myself. And I'm sorry, because you deserve better, but I'm just me. It's all I have, so it's all I can offer.”

There was a long silence after that declaration. Really long. Gojyo inhaled as if to say something, but he actually closed his mouth again without uttering a word. After a while, Gojyo tried again and again he failed, this time with a frown indicating he was starting to get frustrated at his inability to articulate his thoughts. Hakkai started to worry he might have broken him and, reluctantly, he tried to do, for once, the right thing.

“I think it might be best if we parted ways and took some time to think about it,” he said, gathering himself in the subconscious way a person prepares himself before leaving, straightening his spine and taking stock of his possessions not to forget anything on his departure. He signaled to the waiter for the check and took a last look at Gojyo. He was still looking confused and didn't look back at Hakkai. “If you allow me the liberty, I'll contact your agent again in a week's time and you can just reject--”

Hakkai followed Gojyo's look. His eyes were fixed on the envelope, still lying on the table. Hakkai couldn't be sure if he was really seeing it or not, but just in case, he broached the subject.

“You must take it, Gojyo,” Hakkai whispered. “I'll accept any possible response to my next attempt at contacting you, but I won't... that's not...”

“Uh, yeah, okay,” Gojyo said, “ehm... okay.”

Gojyo didn't fight Hakkai in taking care of the check and just slipped the envelope inside his jacket's inside pocket without thinking much about it. They walked out of the restaurant together and, finally, had to face each other to say their goodbyes. For some reason, it was extraordinarily hard to look at one another's face.

“Well,” Hakkai started, smile firmly in place again. The kind Gojyo didn't need but wasn't bothered by. “I'll--”

“Listen, man,” Gojyo said, suddenly present like he hadn't been since Hakkai had vomited his deepest feelings all over the table. “I know this is not the best moment for this and I know that you are right about me needing time, but you know what? This is awkward as fuck as it is right now, but it's still much less awkward than it will be if we go home and think and try to meet again and... we don't really know each other, man, it's going to be fucking awful to try and have a coffee, but at the same time we know each other more than I've known anybody and, well, I'm pretty sure, more than most couples I've been acquainted with know their partner. For fuck's sake, some people won't even confess to their lovers that they have a foot fetish and here we are, fully aware of who likes being choked and who can murder a whole fucking building full of gangsters.” He passed his hand through his hair, liked he always did when he was upset or nervous. “What I'm trying to say is that... that we are talking now; more than we've ever talked, actually. Or at least saying more, if you know what I mean. And I don't want to go home and risk it never happening again. Because I like talking to you. And even when we're like this, I still prefer being like this with you with you than being like this with you without you.” He made a face. “Okay, that didn't make any sense.”

Sometimes, watching Gojyo struggle with words was like witnessing the most beautiful and thrilling train wreck in the world. Hakkai couldn't help turning his tense smile into a real one. Unaware of that, because he still wasn't looking at Hakkai's face, Gojyo marched valiantly on.

“I mean, sometimes, even when something is sort of a mess, it's easier to stick to it. No, that's not it either. Shit. What I really mean--”

“You don't want this night to end.”

“--is that... aah, well, yes, that. But not because it's going great or anything. Because, let me tell you, I've had more fun while hungover on tequila, and possibly at the dentist's, but still, it's like...” Gojyo sighed, “I want to keep the morning after feeling away for an hour or two more and I don't want to worry or to be alone and to try to sleep and be unable to and then wonder if I should see you ever again or not. I'm seeing you now without having to make a decision about it. I just... can we just have a drink somewhere neutral?”

It was Hakkai's turn to sigh.

“I don't think that's wise, Gojyo.”

Gojyo shrugged.

“It's not as if that has ever stopped us.”

That managed to turn Hakkai's smile into a full-fledged grin. And it was then when he noticed that Gojyo, now that he had managed to say what he wanted to say, was looking at him. And he was also smiling that boyish grin, between shy and cocky, that Hakkai loved so much. They were fucked in the head, that's what they were.

Gojyo noticed it immediately, the moment Hakkai surrendered to the inevitable and, without waiting for confirmation, started to lead the way.

“Come on, man, let me tell you what a big asshole our new pivot is...”

 

\-------

 

“You... there's, there's something wrong with you,” Gojyo slurred accusatorily, pointed finger and everything, “I'll have you know that not only am I damn good at poker... yeah, don--, fucker, don't snort like that, I am fucking good.”

“Yes, Gojyo.”

“Don't humor me, asshole, your mouth is doing this thing it does when you're being a shit and right now you're being a shit. I'm good at poker. And I'm good at drinking. I drink like a fishh. I drink... I drink like a mean fucker. And you're still drinking me under the table and it's soo not fair...”

“Yes, Gojyo.”

Hakkai's mouth was still doing that thing, Gojyo thought, squinting to focus his gaze more easily. Hakkai's mouth. Hakkai's. Mouth.

Before he could overthink it, Gojyo lunged and, getting up just enough to reach with a table in the way, he took Hakkai's face in his hands and kissed the hell out of that mouth. The most beautiful thing was that mouth was kissing the hell back, so Gojyo didn't even notice the strain of his position, or the noisy atmosphere of the bar, or the stickiness of the table and the floor, he was only aware of kissing Hakkai and of Hakkai kissing him. That is, until Hakkai pushed him away.

“Gojyo, you're drunk,” he panted, expression earnest and lips wet, “my grasp on morality is tenuous at best...”

“Cool. I think that's your best feature.”

So he lunged again and, this time, Hakkai didn't stop him.

 

\-------

 

“So much for going slow,” Gojyo said much later, eyes on the ceiling, as he idly stroked Hakkai's hair.

“Hm,” Hakkai agreed.

Gojyo had missed Hakkai's weight, the warmth of his body. Even if it could get a bit uncomfortable when they got sweaty and their skin got stuck, Gojyo was a tactile man, difficult to gross out, generally in love with the human shape, the reality of it, the truth of touch above the ethereality of the visuals. He loved having Hakkai's head on his chest, Hakkai's fingers on his torso, Hakkai's legs intertwined with his. It would be best if Hakkai was completely relaxed instead of just pretending to be, but well, Gojyo was sort of used to not getting it all.

Gojyo sighed.

“Spit it out,” he said.

He could very nearly hear Hakkai debating with himself if he should play the fool, evade the question or do as told. Gojyo just waited patiently and kept on stroking Hakkai's soft hair. He was okay with either option, really.

“I can be... intense,” Hakkai confessed.

“Yeah.”

“I don't mean it in a good way,” he clarified.

“Yeah.”

“I'm not good for you.”

“Yeah.”

Not good for you, Gojyo thought. Like a hamburger with fries or a packet of HiLites. It was the kind of turn of phrase that Gojyo had always found funny. His fingers kept on caressing. Damn, he loved Hakkai's hair.

“Are you actually listening, Gojyo?”

It was then that Gojyo stopped what he was doing and craned his neck to look at Hakkai in the eye.

“Yeah,” he said. “Are you?”

That gave Hakkai pause. And yet, he gathered himself and pressed on, the stubborn bastard.

“I am too selfish and you are too selfless.”

Gojyo shrugged.

“It sounds like a match made in Heaven, to me.”

Now Hakkai looked a bit lost. He was obviously still at war with himself. He had never struck Gojyo as an indecisive guy, on the contrary, so it was kind of flattering (as well as annoying as hell, but still, flattering) that the only thing that made him waver like this, the only thing that mattered to him enough to be so scared of it, was Gojyo himself.

“You don't understand,” Hakkai insisted, “I tend to be... too much, I've been known to have difficulties knowing when to stop, identifying boundaries, discerning the lines that shouldn't be crossed, I--”

Making a big effort not to roll his eyes, Gojyo interrupted him.

“All right, now that I'm not paying you and there's no contract binding us, you're totally free to ignore my ass, but that also means that I'm toooootally free to tell you this: Hakkai, do shut up.”

Hakkai blinked. Twice. He was obviously unaccustomed to be told to shut it. Gojyo had certainly never dared before. But, well, that was it, wasn't it? Now they could be honest, and rude and straight-forward. Or not. They could choose. They could tell each other to fuck off and they could decide if they wanted to actually fuck off or not. They could have normal arguments like normal couples and they could break up for normal reasons. They could complain about normal things, like whose turn it was to do the washing up, or about snoring, or having shitty taste in TV programs or using the beer cans as ashtrays. He was being patronizing again, but there was no need. Either Gojyo would put up with him or he wouldn't. And Gojyo would let him know. And the same in reverse. Maybe it really was that simple. They were free. To fuck up. To meet for a coffee or to skip the coffee and just have sex. To do whatever they wanted however they wanted. It was such an incredible epiphany that Hakkai felt like laughing. So he did.

“Hakkai?”

As a reply, he just laughed harder. He was just so happy he couldn't stop. It was actually making Gojyo grin, too.

“Hey, man, what's going on, why are you laughing?”

“Ha, ha, I truly... I... ha, ha... I don't know!” Hakkai replied between guffaws.

Watching Hakkai double up, honestly splitting his sides, was having an effect on Gojyo and, soon after, he was snorting, then chuckling, then laughing himself. So there they were, cracking up like loonies for no reason whatsoever, their guffaws filling the room.

And it felt good, it felt so good that Gojyo wanted to share it more intimately, so he kissed Hakkai, who was beautiful when he looked happy, and Hakkai kissed back, and they playfully rolled on the bed, lips rebelling and trying to grin even when they were trying to kiss, and they rolled again and then they actually rolled out of the bed and fell to the floor. And after an “ouch” and two seconds to understand what had happened, they started laughing again, harder than before, and kissing again also harder, and then they had sex on the floor even if the bed was not even a foot away just because they could, they could. So they did.


End file.
